Best All Purpose Motorcycle Polish Ever!

Best All Purpose Motorcycle Polish Ever!

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EmmaTHEauthor! said in February 20th, 2010 at 1:27 am

Yes, that introduction you have there is awesome. If this is your work keep going! Andd , when you finish or want some more help on it, because i am # 1 editor and reviser at my school (: .. you can email me @ … xo-rossetti-rocks-ox@hotmail.com … thanks so much . and thats my msn , so you can add me (:

Yee welcome , love yah ♥
XOXO: EmmaTHEAuthor.
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Tammy J said in February 20th, 2010 at 2:04 am

Yes! is there more?
if there is can you email it to me?!?!?
or at least tell me who the bikers are lol
tamarajachera@yahoo.com
thanks! =D
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muffins91 said in February 20th, 2010 at 2:30 am

Wow! Great story! I like how you give the story such a sense of imagery. It feels like Im actually there. Of course, it makes want to read on.
Care to read mine?
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bc said in February 20th, 2010 at 3:02 am

It kind of does. Like I would want to know what they are…vampires?…a gang of mortal criminals? Gets me wondering, but it is poorly written. First I think that Michael is a better choice for the name and second I wouldn’t be afraid of using him/her and she/he a little more. In this particular section there are only two characters having a conversation at first. But their names are repeated over and over and as a reader who is pretty interested in the story probably already knows their name from when they were introduced.

I would definitely read it though!
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just my opinion. good luck!

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NeZzY said in February 20th, 2010 at 3:34 am

I actually think it moves a tad quickly. Good for flash fiction or very short stories, but not good for a novella/novel. Delve a bit more!

By the way, i have issues with the dialogue. Have a bit of the patter that takes them out of the fair. Must have been pretty interesting to get that far and him not noticing, hm?

Reach into Jamie’s mind. How does he feel (other than total infatuation, of course) would he be nervous, excited, think about it!

Describe more,reel your audience in! Make them whirl on the carousel, gasp in fright at the bikers! The smells, the sounds; make them feel like THEY are at the fair. Use your 5 senses, add a bit of that magical sixth!

Most importantly, get it written DOWN!! Then ask for review (and send it to me when {not if, never if} you finish)

My word, how cliche that last bit is. Still true though. Have fun!
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someone2525 said in February 20th, 2010 at 3:39 am

Again, amazing. Your ideas are brilliant. Yes! Yes Yes!! I want more. You need a blog. You can post stories on it and all. I can pass the site to all my friends. Are the people like vampires?? Stephenie Meyer vampires…?????? In my case seems like.
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Me! Steph Meyer fan!

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AAron said in February 20th, 2010 at 4:25 am

I liked it, but the problem is, ten seconds into reading I knew the chick was a vampire. Try to make it less obvious, that way it’s surprising when it is finally revealed, instead of like, yeah, we already knew that..
You’re a good writer, though! Keep at it!
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