Loud carnival music blared out from the massive stereos as Jamie threw the baseball at the tin cans. Every single one of them fell down in an instant. As the game host told him to pick a prize, Jamie happened to glance over to the carousel. That was the biggest mistake he ever could have made.
A girl whirled around on the ride, on one of the plastic horses but not sitting still. Jamie smiled at her, and she smiled back. The fairground lights made her unnaturally pale skin shine, and in the night time breeze, the thick, rich brown curls that framed her perfect face dance and bounced. For a moment, Jamie was stunned, and forgot how to close his mouth, how to breathe. He shut it and took a breath as a plan formed in his mind. When the game host reminded him to choose a prize, Jamie decided to get something for the girl.
He waited for the carousel to stop revolving, and to his surprise, when it did she walked over to him. No, danced might have been a better word.
“Hi.” She smiled, ruby lips parting to show glimmering white teeth. Her very voice was seductive.
“Hey,” Jamie replied. “I’m Jamie.”
“Lizzie.” The girl told him her name. She peeked a glance at the gift he’d won for her in his hand.
“For you.” Said Jamie, passing her the bracelet and sounding like someone from the 1600s, not 1987. Lizzie seemed to find it appealing.
“Walk with me?” she offered. Jamie nodded, only too eager to go with her. Her curls bouncing, Lizzie took his hand and led Jamie through the crowd, away from the fair. Still Jamie didn’t realise how foolish it was to follow her.
Even though the two teens were far away from the fairground, there were still bright lights nearby, along with the roar of engines, and male laughter. Four motorbikes circled Lizzie and Jamie like black vultures.
“Brought us another one Lizzie? Good girl.” Laughed the biggest guy, who seemed to be the leader. As the leader seemed quite dangerous, Jamie looked down at Lizzie for signs of fear. There were none. Instead, she smiled wider than ever. The motorbikes had stopped, and the riders were advancing menacingly towards Lizzie and Jamie. Lizzie smiled at Jamie and silently slipped away from him, into the ranks of the bikers. Jamie looked around to find they were completely alone, and felt fear.
He didn’t even have time to scream.
Does this make you want to read on?
P.S. The guy’s name was originally Micheal, so it might say that sometimes instead of Jamie.
Yes! is there more?
if there is can you email it to me?!?!?
or at least tell me who the bikers are lol
tamarajachera@yahoo.com
thanks! =D


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Yes, that introduction you have there is awesome. If this is your work keep going! Andd , when you finish or want some more help on it, because i am # 1 editor and reviser at my school (: .. you can email me @ … xo-rossetti-rocks-ox@hotmail.com … thanks so much . and thats my msn , so you can add me (:
Yee welcome , love yah ♥
XOXO: EmmaTHEAuthor.
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Yes! is there more?
if there is can you email it to me?!?!?
or at least tell me who the bikers are lol
tamarajachera@yahoo.com
thanks! =D
References :
Wow! Great story! I like how you give the story such a sense of imagery. It feels like Im actually there. Of course, it makes want to read on.
Care to read mine?
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It kind of does. Like I would want to know what they are…vampires?…a gang of mortal criminals? Gets me wondering, but it is poorly written. First I think that Michael is a better choice for the name and second I wouldn’t be afraid of using him/her and she/he a little more. In this particular section there are only two characters having a conversation at first. But their names are repeated over and over and as a reader who is pretty interested in the story probably already knows their name from when they were introduced.
I would definitely read it though!
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just my opinion. good luck!
I actually think it moves a tad quickly. Good for flash fiction or very short stories, but not good for a novella/novel. Delve a bit more!
By the way, i have issues with the dialogue. Have a bit of the patter that takes them out of the fair. Must have been pretty interesting to get that far and him not noticing, hm?
Reach into Jamie’s mind. How does he feel (other than total infatuation, of course) would he be nervous, excited, think about it!
Describe more,reel your audience in! Make them whirl on the carousel, gasp in fright at the bikers! The smells, the sounds; make them feel like THEY are at the fair. Use your 5 senses, add a bit of that magical sixth!
Most importantly, get it written DOWN!! Then ask for review (and send it to me when {not if, never if} you finish)
My word, how cliche that last bit is. Still true though. Have fun!
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Again, amazing. Your ideas are brilliant. Yes! Yes Yes!! I want more. You need a blog. You can post stories on it and all. I can pass the site to all my friends. Are the people like vampires?? Stephenie Meyer vampires…?????? In my case seems like.
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Me! Steph Meyer fan!
I liked it, but the problem is, ten seconds into reading I knew the chick was a vampire. Try to make it less obvious, that way it’s surprising when it is finally revealed, instead of like, yeah, we already knew that..
You’re a good writer, though! Keep at it!
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